then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
