So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Brb crying the tears of my youth
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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