I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
