Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
