So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
