so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
