I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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