Whod you bang
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
