So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
