just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
