kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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