I puked a lego.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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