barbara walters just said penis...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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