She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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