True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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