There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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