Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
