OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
