we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
