If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
