i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
