watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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