you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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