Will you blow on my dice?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
