If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
