He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
