sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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