I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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