I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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