i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
