the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
