You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
