i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i drank out of a bidet.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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