You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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