so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
