he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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