so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
