I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this beer tastes like vomit already
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
