he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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