Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
