i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
