Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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