Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
