Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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