I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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