the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
