so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
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At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
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Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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