I will die if light touches me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
