im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i drank out of a bidet.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
