to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink