It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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