I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i can juggle bunnies
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?