Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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