he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
