So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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