You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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