I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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