I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
