I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
