I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
