my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
