i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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