There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
this will be a night to untag.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
