dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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