god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
